Grief

In my community we recently had a tragedy. During a community activity, a small plane accident took the lives of two people. One of the men was the brother to my daughter’s best friend. The situation reminded me of something that happened when I was a teen.

During a combined church activity one of the leaders was killed while snow tubing. I don’t remember much of the events, but I do remember a lot of tears and when we were being ushered out of the mountains we had to pass the site. The snow was stained red. The other leaders tried to shield us from it but the red couldn’t be hidden.

My hope for this accident is that everyone at the scene is found and talked to. They always tell everyone that a grief counselor is available but not everyone looks for help. Some sit on the side lines trying to hide in the background while drowning in their grief.

In my situation, I was new to town. Not everyone had accepted me yet and I didn’t feel like I belonged yet. The young woman’s leader that had died was the mother of a guy in my class but I didn’t know her well.

For some reason, I took the death pretty hard. Most likely because it was the first time I had been near it. I walked around in a fog. I didn’t know how to process the events and it wore on me. No one came to talk to me. I wasn’t connected closely to the family. There was no reason for me to be sad. But I was.

A few days later, I had a very vivid dream. To this day, I haven’t forgotten -

I was in my church, in the gym. There are rows of chairs facing the stage and I’m walking down the isle separating the chairs in two. The entire room was dark but the stage was lit up. I look around the room at the different people sitting. Most were kids from my ward and their families.

As I get closer to the front I spot my classmate sitting with his family staring at the stage. They all held each other and cried. I stood to the side of them, trying to come up with something comforting to say. As always, I come up short and stand awkwardly.

“How would you rather have me die?”

 

I turned towards the voice and saw the woman that had died laying on the stage in a beautiful white dress. She appeared to glow from the spot light that I don’t know where the source was. I start to cry. “I’m so sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?”

“Because you’re here. You were taken from your family.” I look back at my classmate and locked eyes with him. My heart broke for him and I turned back to his mom.

“How would you have rather had me die?”

I was baffled why she would ask or even care what I thought. “You wouldn’t be dead.” I stared into her non blinking eyes.

“It doesn’t work that way.”

“Any other way.”

“But how?”

“Fine, you would have died in a peaceful manner. Maybe in your sleep, I don’t know.”

“Thanks.” She went silent but I knew she wasn’t done. “I want you to know, I’m fine. I’m at peace. You don’t need to be sad for me."

I sit up in bed and use my blanket to mop the tears I’d spilled while sleeping. I’ve had many vivid dreams in my life and this is one that shook me to my bones. I got out of bed and went into the bathroom on shaky legs and splashed some water on my face hoping to wash the sadness away.

Even though I wasn’t connected closely to her, I was deeply affected by the experience. Luckily for me I had a supportive family. My mom found me in the bathroom where I was crying. I was able to talk to her and work through it.